standing in the ashes

I've been writing a lot the last seven months. Some things I can't wait to share with you all, and some things I needed to get off of my chest in order to be able to breathe again. Throughout all of my writings there was a common theme. I was sad, I was angry, but in the midst of all of the dark there was also a lot of hope for what was to come.

I was listening to my favorite podcast yesterday while walking my dog, a daily ritual for us. This episode was different though and hit me like a punch to the gut. I then continued to listen as I scrambled some eggs for a quick breakfast before having to head to work, and as I did I felt like the life coach on the podcast was speaking right to me. "Everything is figure-out-able" was the theme. I have people tell me often that I have it all figured out or it's great that I know what I'm doing. Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. My 20s have been chaotic, and I have been given opportunities where I feel like I am on top of the world just for someone to come and pull the rug right out from under me. I have created work that I was proud of and have been told it needs to be better, that I need to be better. Some of you will read this and think "well that's life sweetie, learn to live with it" but why do we have to accept that people treating you like shit and belittling you is okay? I don't think it is and I refuse to be in those situations any more. I've felt like a failure, or that I'm falling behind in life because things haven't gone according to the vision I set out when I was younger. I did what I thought I was supposed to. I grew up and moved out of my childhood home, graduated college, got a job with a fancy title and company card, and moved into my own house, just to be miserable. I've always dreamed of being known for who I am and not what I do, but whenever people found out who I was dating or what jobs I've been able to work, I felt they only wanted to get to know for me that. I knew I was unhappy for a long time but was terrified to admit it to myself because I didn't know what was to come if I changed. And honestly, I've changed so much so quickly. My interests, my dreams, my passions. I'm not who I was and I've changed for the better, but I was forcing myself to stay as a version I had outgrown. I am currently struggling with trying to launch myself as a freelancer and working as a waitress to pay the bills as a single dog mom, but you know what? I've never felt more free and light.

Through all of the unknowns, there is a lot I have discovered. My core values are strong and can't be compromised which I'm pretty damn proud of. If something doesn't feel right, I'm not doing it. My time is valuable and is not something I want to waste any longer, because when I look back I've wasted a lot of it worrying about what other people think and have let my people pleasing tendencies take over to be what others want of me, but in the process have made myself miserable. I have been scared to chase the dreams placed on my heart out of fear of what others would think of me. Or, because someone else has already done it. Because someone else wants the same thing and it will make me a cheap version of them. To hell with it all. I've been conceited in a way thinking that people are analyzing my every move and I'll be criticized, when in reality everyone is so knee deep in their own crap that they realistically aren't giving me a second thought. However, there is some truth to be spoken. To get a little vulnerable with all of you strangers who I hope to turn to friends on this platform, one of my loves has been photography. I love taking pictures, and I also love to get dressed up and finding new locations to take photos at and be in front of the camera because it's a creative outlet and I have so much fun with it. It truly makes me feel like myself. My friends and I would go out and do this often growing up when we would hang out, and in the new age of social media where there were unspoken norms and everyone was figuring out how to use this technology I would post the content we made. Because it made me happy. Girls I went to school with would make fun of me online, telling me I'm full of myself, sub-tweeting me, which later turned to people (one that I know of) who had their own podcast would go on it to talk badly of me when they didn't even know me because of putting myself and my passions out there. All that to be said, that kind of stuff and those comments stick with you as an adult. I have a really tough exterior and get very defensive because that's my mechanism to protect myself. In reality, I'm as soft as they come and am so hard on myself. It's impacted me today to where I have a voice inside of my head telling me to not even try. I'm working to turn that voice off by doing these things anyway. And I'm terrified in the best way.

The most common thing people ask me is "what is your end goal?" or "what's next?" and I'm honestly still figuring it out, but what I have figured out is I am going to go to bed every night excited to wake up the next day and live every moment with a happiness that has me excited to take on new opportunities. Because for the last year, my time was spent dreading what was to come and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because I was too scared to leave a situation that wasn't right for me out of fear of what was to come. I love myself too much to ever do that again. Through this time I have given myself (and honestly that the universe forced upon me because it knew it was what I needed) I made promises to myself. I will NEVER let myself stay in a situation that brings me anything other than joy. I will NEVER let anyone disrespect me and not stand up for myself again. I will NEVER not speak up when something is wrong. I will NEVER let anyone tell me my writing is shallow. Most importantly, even when I get discouraged because I know it will happen, I will NEVER give up on my dreams and I pray you don't either.

My goal with writing all of this is to hopefully encourage you to chase what you really want. And in a long winded way, to tell you that that's what I plan to do and that I'm just getting started. Through this forced chapter of healing, there is a version of me that's been standing in the ashes of who I used to be, and I am stronger than before with a fiery determination that has long been missing. Here's to doing more of what makes us truly freaking happy with the time we have been given.